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Thread: If your wife leaves are you devoced

  1. #1
    1programer
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    Default If your wife leaves are you devoced

    If your wife feels that she dose not want to say in the same house. That she still loves you but wants to live her life alone. Did she break her vows and doing so are we still married? We have been married for 26 years. Three kids all grow. I hate being alone this is not what I had in mind when I said until death do us part.

  2. #2
    IncitingRiots
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    You are still married until you get a divorce. I think that should be obvious. The technical term for a situation like yours would be "married but separated". Perhaps you should have thought more clearly before saying "I do". Looking at current marriage statics, it is very rare that "till death do us part" is stuck to. I advise you to go find a younger, more attractive woman and forget about this failed marriage.

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    Senior Member MacG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1programer View Post
    If your wife feels that she dose not want to say in the same house. That she still loves you but wants to live her life alone. Did she break her vows and doing so are we still married? We have been married for 26 years. Three kids all grow. I hate being alone this is not what I had in mind when I said until death do us part.
    1programmer, Wow. That's harsh and I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult thing. This situation is not so cut and dried. I remembered that when people called Walter Martin on the radio regarding these kinds of situations he would have them get a book by Guy Duty called "Divorce and Remarriage" to help them sort it out from a biblical view.

    Keep praying for her and yourself during this time, draw close to God and He will draw close to you, I know, easier said than done but don't give up on Him. I hope that you can find a good trusted friend to help lift you during this time.

    Father, 1programmer is hurting and turned upside down right now. As he reached out here, reach out to him and send the comforter, the Holy spirit to brood over him as when He brooded over the waters at creation, envelop him and warm Him through and through to let be certain that he is never truly alone as Jesus said for I am with with you till the end of the ages.

    1programmer grace and peace be yours this day and through this trying time,

    Blessings,

    MacG
    "Said I'm not what I ought to be, but I'm better, better than I used to be, I'm gettin better all the time" - Blind Boys of Alabama Ephesians 4:22-24 NASB ..."that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth"

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    Administrator Jill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1programer View Post
    If your wife feels that she dose not want to say in the same house. That she still loves you but wants to live her life alone. Did she break her vows and doing so are we still married? We have been married for 26 years. Three kids all grow. I hate being alone this is not what I had in mind when I said until death do us part.
    1programer,

    I am so sorry to hear this. Speaking as a wife who loves her husband, I couldn't imagine leaving him. Her reason that she "loves you" but "wants to live her life alone" makes no sense at all. She is not following the biblical principle of marriage. Have you tried to go to counseling? Have you spoken to your pastor? Christian counseling can help you determine the best thing to do in this situation.

    Praying for you,

    Jill
    How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God. 1 John 3:1

  5. #5
    1programer
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    We have gone to consulting she doesn't want to be told she is the problem. Our pastor doesn't want to take sides if you can believe it. My two daughters think she is wrong. I have tried to convince her to return.
    It is not what I want. Yes God is with me and he takes care of me. But I need the physical companionship that God designed.

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    Administrator Jill's Avatar
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    If your pastor won't help, you're in the wrong church. I would recommend looking into the Evangelical Free Church--usually they are much better at handling personal issues between members. Is your wife a Christian? I don't mean someone who just goes to church and knows all the right things to say, I mean, does she live like she knows Jesus Christ as her Savior? Does she love and forgive people like we are required to love and forgive? Part of the way to ***ess this is by repe***ive behavior.

    Her current actions do not appear to be loving and they are certainly not biblical, which is why I am questioning her commitment. As to what you can do about it, if she will not continue counseling, there's not much you can do except pray for her and find some strong men of God who will support you as you go through this. Unfortunately, you may be dealing with a desertion issue. I don't know all the circumstances so I can't speak to the possibility of a biblical divorce, that would be for a pastor or counselor to discuss with you.

    I will be praying for you and your family. Let us know how you're doing.

    Jill
    How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God. 1 John 3:1

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    Senior Member johnd's Avatar
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    Sometimes these are not spiritual issues but psychological. Has she shown any sign in the past to make you consider that she might have emotional / mental instabilities?

    I am no expert. But I have family members and friends of the family who have shown these kinds of signs and the friend of the family deserted her family in the late 1970's and now is reaping the deserts of that decision with the dysfunction of her children and their families and she gets at least her share of the blame... and then some.

    So sad.

    Does your wife want to be alone for a certain amount of time? Or is it a permanent move in her mind? If so, do you think she just has not considered the consequences of this? the loneliness? the abandon felt by your daughters and you...???

    Dr. James Dobson spoke of a time when his mother (fortunately for him before he was born) had her doubts in their young marriage and was ready to go away until she realized how much she loved her man and after that point she loved him with an undying love till the day she died some years after he died.

    I am not taking sides here. Clearly she is in the wrong. But I am offering thoughts that might help. Let her go and let her know you'll manage somehow without her. It may take a while but she may wake up and snap out of this.

    God bless!
    The Bible is its own best commentary.
    Prophecy is the word of God
    which sometimes speaks of future... sometimes of the present... sometimes of the past.
    A prophet is the tool God uses.
    It's not about the prophet, but about the God who uses the prophet to speak his word...

  8. #8
    1programer
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    Jill thanks for the reply. As far as the pastor go's nice guy no's the bible but i think he afraid to tell it like it is. I have left and gone back to a Nazarene church.

  9. #9
    sayso
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1programer View Post
    We have gone to consulting she doesn't want to be told she is the problem. Our pastor doesn't want to take sides if you can believe it. My two daughters think she is wrong. I have tried to convince her to return.
    It is not what I want. Yes God is with me and he takes care of me. But I need the physical companionship that God designed.
    Your wife must return to the marriage and you because she knows in her heart that is what God wants her to do. She can't do it for her two daughters or for you or it won't last. I know this from experience. It is commitment to God and to each other that holds a marriage together.

    You won't convince her to come back by ganging up on her and telling her how wrong she is.

    Over 30 years ago my husband left me and our four children. He told me he didn't love me and was getting a divorce. To make a long story short, God miraculously saved our marriage and this year we will celebrate 35 years.

    The only advice I can give you is to draw close to God, love your wife unconditionally without expecting her to love you back, and pray for her. He will show you the way.

  10. #10
    1programer
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    thanks for your thoughts. I have been doing what you suggest. It is up to god to melt her heart.

  11. #11
    Senior Member johnd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1programer View Post
    thanks for your thoughts. I have been doing what you suggest. It is up to god to melt her heart.
    The parable of the prodigal son comes to mind. Being the father (or in your case the husband or the children) is no easy task. God bless you. You are in my prayers.
    The Bible is its own best commentary.
    Prophecy is the word of God
    which sometimes speaks of future... sometimes of the present... sometimes of the past.
    A prophet is the tool God uses.
    It's not about the prophet, but about the God who uses the prophet to speak his word...

  12. #12
    GiGi
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1programer View Post
    If your wife feels that she dose not want to say in the same house. That she still loves you but wants to live her life alone. Did she break her vows and doing so are we still married? We have been married for 26 years. Three kids all grow. I hate being alone this is not what I had in mind when I said until death do us part.
    I'm very sad for you. I realize that it takes two to keep a marriage going and only one to end it. However, we don't have all of the details. Are you willing to make changes to meet her needs?
    What I'm hearing is that you expect the marriage to remain intact because your God says it should. I think there's more to it.

  13. #13
    dill100
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    Norman Geisler in his Chosen But Free book and his online "Why I Am Not a Five-Point Calvinist" youtube video on the one hand and James White in his The Potter's Freedom book and several online droakley1689 videos on the other hand are arguing over the nature of salvation. Just wanted people's input on that.

  14. #14
    theknight
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    i dont know i am having dat much rights to say something on it byt well this is indeed a very strange story hearing from u.... its ok if she says u when she is young and that time there might be some doubts in the mind... but as u said ur marriage has been more than 26 years....whatelse she wants more? a new planet to live? .... she must be some sort of disturbed thats why she said in this way as she wants to stay alone..... hope it works gud for u...

  15. #15
    alanmolstad
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1programer View Post
    Did she break her vows and doing so are we still married?
    No, she did not break her vows...
    But even if she does, this does not mean you have to too.

    You are still married...and that should be all you need to know.

  16. #16
    Imnotdumb
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    Thumbs down Found out some very bad news too . .

    We have been married for 26 years. Three kids all grow.
    My elderly folks very very recently got a divorce. Not suggesting this is what you need. They've never been into religion of ANY kind. Unfortunately I had to actually care for one of them while this was all going on because of permanent disability. Not happy about any part of it, nor will I expect that I ever will be happy that they got divorced. I hoped to have avoided the whole thing. Which was impossible to do when youre living with one all the time due to constant medical obligation,. To complicate things the 'other' side of the family (from another marriage) is now mad at :me. I cannot get an answer as to why. Unlike the broken home of the tv's Teutul family (American Chopper) I am not able to talk to people without talking to them. I dont know why. I think they were "picking a side". Which is really beyond insane. I feel if I give into anger, you could pretty much forget all hope of normality. I am curious about any children (adult or otherwise). How do they see it?


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    Last edited by Imnotdumb; 02-14-2011 at 02:40 AM. Reason: typeos ... real typeos

  17. #17
    alanmolstad
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1programer View Post
    If your wife feels that she dose not want to say in the same house. That she still loves you but wants to live her life alone. Did she break her vows and doing so are we still married? We have been married for 26 years. Three kids all grow. I hate being alone this is not what I had in mind when I said until death do us part.
    Im sorry your wife left you.
    You are still married, and you must stand up for that marriage.

    Your faithfulness will be a sign that while you cant control the actions of your wife, you are yet in full control of your own.
    this means you take a stand.

    You are telling the world that you will be there for her .....

  18. #18
    alanmolstad
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1programer View Post
    If your wife feels that she dose not want to say in the same house. That she still loves you but wants to live her life alone. Did she break her vows


    and doing so are we still married?

    you are still married..

    as for her breaking her vows?...better go dig them out and read them a few times. The answer should be clear enough.

  19. #19
    alanmolstad
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    you cant control the other person.....

    So That means that no matter what comes in the future, you are only asked to remember your own vows....

    You cant force the other person to keep the vow they made to you....but you can keep the vow you made to them.....

  20. #20
    alanmolstad
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    and even if some say you have "grounds" to divorce,,,this does not mean you have to get divorced....

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jill View Post
    If your pastor won't help, you're in the wrong church. I would recommend looking into the Evangelical Free Church--usually they are much better at handling personal issues between members. Is your wife a Christian? I don't mean someone who just goes to church and knows all the right things to say, I mean, does she live like she knows Jesus Christ as her Savior? Does she love and forgive people like we are required to love and forgive? Part of the way to ***ess this is by repe***ive behavior.

    Her current actions do not appear to be loving and they are certainly not biblical, which is why I am questioning her commitment. As to what you can do about it, if she will not continue counseling, there's not much you can do except pray for her and find some strong men of God who will support you as you go through this. Unfortunately, you may be dealing with a desertion issue. I don't know all the circumstances so I can't speak to the possibility of a biblical divorce, that would be for a pastor or counselor to discuss with you.

    I will be praying for you and your family. Let us know how you're doing.

    Jill
    Evangelical Free Church? I wouldn't recommend that at all. I know of a case where one of their pastors indulged in extra-marital activity and was given a slap on the wrist. I think it was not being allowed to preach for two years. Frankly, why weren't his papers pulled? He had had a previous complaint made against him by another woman.

    As far as a husband whose wife has left. Is she a believer? If so, then it isn't a case "if the unbeliever leaves, allow him or her to leave." Marriage is sacramental in nature, and a divorce is a serious matter. In some denominations, it can only be annulled. In which case, some type of impediment to the marriage would have to be documented.

    However, if divorce is the only answer (if the wife refuses to come back), it would be outside of God's perfect will. However, the Christian can move on with her/his life, chastened and smarter. Whether or not they remarry while the ex-spouse is alive would depend on pastoral guidance.
    Oath formerly taken by Mormons promising not to reveal secret Mormon temple rituals: "Should we do so, we agree to have our breasts cut open and our hearts and vitals torn from our bodies and given to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field."

  22. #22
    alanmolstad
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    Evangelical Free Church is a very good denomination, and i do recomand it to people that want a very alive church to join.

    You will receive good teaching there, and for the most part I have nothing but good things to say about the members.

    Keep in mind that every denomination has a few bad apples, but we always got to remember the warning of Walter Martin to never toss the baby with the bath water....
    Never hold the whole guilty for the actions of a few...

  23. #23
    alanmolstad
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1programer View Post
    If your wife feels that she dose not want to say in the same house. That she still loves you but wants to live her life alone. Did she break her vows and doing so are we still married? We have been married for 26 years. Three kids all grow. I hate being alone this is not what I had in mind when I said until death do us part.
    The wife in this example has not broken her vows...
    If she seeks a divorce then at that point we can say she has broken her vow....

  24. #24
    alanmolstad
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1programer View Post
    If your wife feels that she dose not want to say in the same house. That she still loves you but wants to live her life alone. Did she break her vows and doing so are we still married?
    .....yes.

    You are still married to her.

    You may be going to a bad patch, but what i would do is to take out your wedding vows at such times and read them to yourself.
    This should help you understand the journey you are on, the things you have given your word about, and how from the beginning you knew this was going to be a long, hard path to walk at times.

    You cant control the other person.
    Your vow to your mate was something YOU dedicated yourself to fulfill.
    Your vow does not hinge on the actions of others...for only you can keep your vow.

  25. #25
    alanmolstad
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1programer View Post
    . But I need the physical companionship that God designed.

    well......not really.
    You may desire physical closeness and sex with someone, but you don't actually "need" it.

    You may have grown "used" to having a woman around, but you don't actually "need" a women living with you.

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